Ben Affleck | dancinmoma

And the Oscar goes to…

Thunderous applause erupts as I join in, clapping enthusiastically.

Suddenly Justin Timberlake taps me on the shoulder and whispers, just to me.

JT: It’s you. You just won the Oscar!

Me: What?

JT: You just won the Oscar! Get up there, girl!!, he says as he twirls me around, and points me toward the stage.

Realizing the magnitude of the moment that I clearly didn’t hear, I turn to give JT a hug while simultaneously high fiving Sandra Bullock, George Clooney & Matt Damon. I then gallop down the aisle…screaming like a mad woman.

I trip up the stairs into the arms of Ben Affleck who graciously hands me Oscar with a kiss on the cheek. I hug him, too. 😉

My “imaginary acceptance speech” begins…

(Big Sigh) WOW! This is amazing (as I look at the Oscar in my hand). Helloooo there, golden guy. I have missed you. Helloooo Hollywood!! I swear I haven’t been drinking… yet (chuckles from the audience).

Clearly I’m in shock (waving myself with the envelope). Good Lord, I’m hot… as in overheated (audience laughs with a close-up on Tina Fey). This is too much. Thank you, God! Thank you. I’d like to thank my fellow nominees, directors, producers and anyone who had anything to do with this film. WE share this together.

To my hubby, the impersonator, by being married to you, I am “dating” Chewbacca, Rocky Balboa, Tom Jones, Elvis all wrapped into one. To my oldest, Brady… since when did you grow up? Now that you’re taller than me, I look up to you, literally. I am amazed daily by your curiosity, artistic nature in many areas and impressed by the fine young man you are becoming. Oh Casey….(large sigh) you put the “OY” in JOY. You can easily fill a room with laughter, just by being YOU. Seriously, once a person meets you, they will NEVER forget you. 🙂 It also appears your sweet Baby Sister is following in your footsteps. McKenzie…you are the miracle we never knew we needed. We learn daily about the true meaning of life through your eyes.

To my dear girlfriends…who accept me…all of me, flaws, falls, Murphy’s laws and all. Hey! I made a rhyme this time 😉 I may be a Dance Teacher but I’m also clumsy and scatter-brained at times, which always provides a little humor for our girls’ nights out. (I point to Justin Timberlake with a little wink). My last spill — beer spill that is — was at your concert, JT. They always say “If you stumble, make it part of the DANCE” … Oh and Dance I will! (start an impromptu dance with Ben Affleck on stage).

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. 🙂 To my family; mom, dad, brother, in-laws, aunts, uncles, Grandpa T (Big Al!), cousins and all. I feel so blessed to have all of you in my life. What a wonderful mix of personalities and life stories to be surrounded by. I am inspired by each and every one of you.

I’d also like to thank my iPhone. (chuckles from the audience). Yes, my phone. You are my “window to the world.” You have brought more people into my life from all areas of the world that I could ever imagine. For a social person like myself, I find joy in social media, Facebook friends, Twitter, and now a whole new world of blogging moms. As long as I use my “window to the world” responsibly (don’t text and drive) and don’t miss the authentic moments in front of me, I’m good. I choose to focus on the positive of it all, like this moment. (Grab phone from inside my dress and turn around to take a picture with myself, the Oscar, Ben and audience in the background.) Some people like “Selfies” but I like “Usies” so everyone…smile… 1, 2, 3. (I click camera, then look at phone). It’s a keeper! Thanks, folks.

Music starts playing….

Wait!… I’m not done. Matthew… McConaughey? Where are you? (I scan audience, spot him, and blow a kiss his way) Great movies this year my dear… I know that this is YOUR year to win. By the way…did you know that you are my island person? As in if I had to choose anyone to be on a desert island for one year, you’re my choice. Why? You seem very outdoorsy and fun…plus you’d probably be pretty cute in a loin cloth…. (giggle) (Close-up of Mathew tipping his imaginary hat towards me).

Music getting louder…

Ooohhh running out of time… Thank you to everyone who has ever touched my life in anyway… because of YOU, I am the person I am today… Embrace the Good and Release the Bad from your life…

In the words of the Oscar-nominated song from Disney… “Let it Go!! Let it Go!!”

Thank you! Gracious! Merci! I love you all!! (Blow kisses to everyone).

Wait! Justin. Will I see you back in the “D” this summer?! Ellen DeGeneres? Are you backstage? I need a dance partner! Ellen?!! (Ellen peeks from behind the curtain and joins me on stage)

Crank the music up…. Let’s DANCE!!!!

(Ellen & I dance off stage as audience applauds)

Time for a little sparkle and maybe a little bubbly. The stars are coming out! Not the beautiful constellations in the sky but the MOVIE stars! You see, I’m a big fan of the Academy Awards and going to the movies. I love the escape a well-crafted film can provide. I also enjoy the “I’d like to thank the Academy” speeches. And I LOVE the idea of being a movie star….I think. Well, maybe just for a day….for the adventure.

What do you think about being a movie star?

Speaking of ‘thank you’ — at the end of a pre-ballet class we always wrap things up with a final curtsy, in other word’s, our final bow. Using our imaginations, we pretend we are bowing to our audience or even our prince! It’s my method of showing my gratitude towards each student for a wonderful class. It’s also their sign of respect and thanks to the dance teacher (yours truly), and makes them more comfortable doing the curtsy for an appreciative audience in the future.

To me a curtsy eloquently says, “Thank you.”

This brings me back to the Academy Awards and the infamous “acceptance speech.” I like to hear what the winners say. It’s as if for those 2 minutes we have a brief window into that person’s soul. Are they truly humble? Or have they won so many Oscars that they need to drop names for business reasons. The heartfelt humble words and the speeches that make you laugh along, that’s what I am looking for. Each speech makes you think, who you would thank and how you might react.

So with that, I’m going to share my annual “Fake Acceptance Speech.” You can go running back down the red carpet or you can join me in my imagination as I, Miss Pam, receive my fake Oscar and give my fake speech…..

“O. M. G! Is this for real, is this really happening?
(I look directly into the Oscar statues eyes here)
Hellooooo there Golden Guy…. Wow! I can’t believe this!

Hugh Jackman are you out there?
(Here I scan the audience for his holy hotness and look in his eyes.)
“Hellooooo Hugh”
(in my most provocative, flirty voice)

Can you sing your song from Les Mis for me — “Bring Him Home” — because that is where this guy (refer to my Oscar) is going TONIGHT!

While I have your attention….Hughie,
(We’re getting to know each now.)
I LOVED when you hosted. I watched your opening number countless times on my DVR, until our hard drive space was full.
I had to delete you, but I will never forget.
(I wink at Hugh, and he smiles back and blows a kiss.)
(Hey, its my fake acceptance speech).

(I fan my face with my hand and take deep breath.)
I’d like thank my family first and foremost. My hilarious, impersonator hubby, my creative, witty boys, and my precious daughter who is our good luck token from Vegas. (I pause and giggle.) You all bring unending JOY to my world.

To my mom, and her adorable, nervous, happy energy that has passed onto me. (Here I motion with my arm and almost knock over the Oscar). You SEE!

To my Dad and Brother…you put the MURPH in Murphy’s Law, but my god what an ADVENTURE life is.

To my girlfriends & soul sistahs, you make me laugh till I cry and cry till I pee.
Yes, I’ve had three babies!
Seriously, you put the SANE back in my insanity moments…. your support is invaluable!

Thank you to social media for bringing the world closer together, for bringing my family across the country together, for inspiring moments, support and love. As long as my time is positive there, it is well invested.
P.S. #SMGirlfriends you ROCK!!!

To my adoring fans —
(Remember, this is my fake acceptance speech.)
We are ALL here because YOU go to the movies.
Thank you!!

To my cast, fellow cast-mates, directors, producers, and crew. You know who you are, and it’s all on the credits because of ALL that you did, you deserve the Credit. I will do some individual shout outs on Twitter later on!

(music starts playing)
Wait!! I’m forgetting someone…. Oh Jodie Foster. After hearing your words upon receiving your lifetime achievement award recently, you’re my idol. Someday, I hope that I will OWN myself the way that you do. I am such a big fan and…

(Music playing louder and drowns me out as I’m dragged offstage gripping Oscar.)
(Music stops. Then I rush back onstage.)

Oh and …. Donny O….Yes you know the one. I thank you every year for putting a smile on my face since I was a little girl. Meeting you in VEGAS was a dream come true. Someday we can take a spin on the dance floor, now that you’ve won that mirrored trophy. In the words of your character in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”
“ANY DREAM WILL DO.”
Yes.
(I hold up my Oscar.) Any dream WILL do. Thank you, thank you
(I do a very sincere, eloquent final curtsy.) THANK YOU!!!!
(I blow kisses and bop another curtsy, start walking away, then run back to the mic)

One more thing…Justin Timberlake….so glad you are BACK singing….

I saw you waving at me in 2011. Tell your mom, Hi! Can you say, JT concert?